ABOUT GUYS. FOR GUYS. ANYONE ELSE: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Qualifiers and permissions: I want to remind you that this blogging series is for adults. It is to help adults process their free will choice to pursue relationships. I believe youth have different restrictions based on their parents relationship with them then these blogs address. Also, you have permission to print/use/repost this blog if you post it in its entirety with reference to www.blog.myspace.com/eagledove so that people can read them all in context. Lastly, remember this is my blogging so grammar, spelling, etc is not monitored for me, my comments, your comments, or anything else. FREEDOM from English class! Thanks!

BLOG 4.0
ABOUT GUYS, FOR GUYS. ANYONE ELSE: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Girls stop reading. I know you're probably going to read it anyways because girls are so nosy…but consider yourself warned: there is guy talk in this chapter. Your welcome to try, and if you can get through it as a female you will probably have learned some valuable lessons.

A story:
One of my last relationships I was in was to a girl who had an abstinence thrust in her philosophy of dating. I loved it except it meant that we couldn't kiss until the flower girl marched her petals down the alter. This was not a deal breaker in the relationship but I wanted to know why this was so important to her.

Well…she needed the commitment, because she didn't trust herself and me because of physical boundaries she had crossed. Despite the fact that I eventually would want some innocent lip action when we were on the true road to marriage, I honored her standards because I liked her a lot (I was even starting to like her in the way that love starts).

Now some of you just got offended because I said I wanted to kiss a girl who I am not married to. Each of us has different convictions on the issue, but let me redeem this a little…read on. 

1 reason why break ups happen or suck = People crossed into a physical side of the relationship 

Now that I have gained a little of my credibility back, lets talk reality.

I have mentored tons of guys. Believe it or not, the ones who were raised in the church have the same struggles as the ones who weren't. They just struggle in a more contained way with much less experience, because of their limited amount of relationships. 

Here is what is true of all guys: If you press their "ON" button, then you have started a machine that will only feel completed when you keep feeding it. This is called lust, we all know it, we have all felt it.

The "On" Button


Now the problem is that each guys "ON" lust button is a little, if not completely, different. 

Some guys get turned ON by a look.
Some guys get turned ON by a kiss.
Some guys get turned ON by a hug.
Some guys get turned ON by kissing.
And ALL guys get turned ON by kissing more then a few kisses. Obviously there are more intentional ways to get the ON button working, but they are obvious ways and we don't need to go there.

When the "ON" button gets pushed anything and everything that happens from that point is like missile command pressing the big irreversible red button – there is no turning back. The interaction will end in your pants and shame, even if she's not the one to go there with you. 

The other problem about our "ON" button is that it changes from day to day depending on how good we feel, how our hormones are interacting with our mind that day, or how hot she is (I mean how spiritual and Godly she is…yeah that's it..) So that means we have a responsibility to set some personal standards so that we keep that "ON" button closed behind a bullet proof glass box just like missile command.

SETTING BARBWIRE BOUNDARIES FOR YOUR HORMONES AND RELATIONSHIPS: 

1 Set physical boundaries based on your own human weaknesses and strengths. 

Each relationship is different and just because the last girl's hugs didn't turn you on doesn't mean the next ones won't. Some have just the right way of hugging or the right pressing that will affect you differently. If your "ON" button starts with the lips, learn to love holding her hands. 

Special note: Until you are ready to make a commitment, any lip action will lead you down an emotional connected road that will push the relationship faster then you want to go.

Some people can kiss without going to the dark place – but everyone will get there if the kisses are just right…remember the analogy of the big red "ON" button? 

2 Don't make your physical standards based on just your own strengths and weaknesses, but also based on hers. 

Did you know that one out of four women have been molested and that while 15% of them shut down sexually after this, studies show that another 40% are more willing to cross physical boundaries because of this. This means that you have to set physical boundaries based on getting to know her in her experience or lack their of. Believe it or not, many of the guys I have taken through inner healing were not the aggressor in the physical sexual relationship. 

3 Don't let her set the boundaries in a physical relationship alone. 

Many guys will not make the first move but it is DANGEROUS to let your gal pal dictate the physical boundaries. Many guys will only do what the girl is comfortable with, but when a guys "ON" button is pressed, he will follow her down any path she leads. So if you are letting a gal pal set the boundaries, she may not even know what she is inviting from you and it may spiral down to the uh oh realm. 

Let me give you an example. (I have changed the names in this story so the guys name is Brick because most guys are dumb as a brick when hormones are involved. The girls name is Dolores (which means causer of pain, because most women are when it comes to hormones outside of marriage).

Brick and Dolores


Brick was with Dolores for their second outing and at the end of the date she began to kiss on his face cutely. Then it turned even more fun and she began to kiss him on the mouth. Brick had never felt this good and had never kissed this long. Then guilt hit him that he felt so good because it was showing (if you don't get that then don't try).

Dolores pressed into the kissing but Brick being a good boy said "No, wait, we better not…" Or some desperate exasperation. Then Dolores wanted to help Brick as a man feel good and not get frustrated…so…some things happened (don't use your imagination) and Brick felt awful. He felt like he took advantage of Dolores (he had) but he had never been touched like that (still don't use your imagination).

He came to me for prayer and counsel. I asked him "Brick I know this was new to you but has she done this before in other relationships?"

He didn't know. He found out later that she had been molested at a young age and ever since had been sexually confused about boundaries and now was enjoying but hating herself for helping her boyfriends out. She had crossed this line a few times.

BOUNDARIES BASED ON MUTUAL STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES...

You know what awakens the Brick's in us the most? When you begin a physical relationship without setting boundaries based on you and your partners needs and weaknesses. Without being honest with your weakness AND your partners weaknesses you are setting yourself up for failure. As soon as you get past the point of hugs, then its good to know a little about what you are dealing with in each other. If you are a Brick, then Dolores won't fail with you because you will have grace for her weakness and inner healing journey…and she for yours if you need one.

4 Set Boundaries on the Time You Spend. 

Its so fun in dating to just hang out, and keep hanging out…and keep hanging out. But then pretty soon that's all a couple does all day and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. When you get into a relationship, it is so important to set boundaries on how you are going to spend your time. Just planning and time management…so when its midnight and you are cuddling on a couch all alone watching a little TV and the old movie Top Gun comes on, the "Take My Breath Away" scene doesn't suddenly throw you into a downward spiral ending with babies. 

Setting boundaries on time and managing your schedule on how much time you will spend, the kind of activities you will do, and even how late you will be together is a HUGE key to successfully dating and staying out of trouble. Most guys are most vulnerable when they are tired and goalless. This happens for me after about midnight. If I was dating I would just like to sit close on a couch and talk. But if you are alone, this can turn into laying on the couch and then a cute kiss and then…oops there it is! I think when you get into a dating relationship you have to decide together what is healthy and not compromise that amount of time.

It is also good to ask some of the friends and authority figures who you are involved with how they perceive your relationship. Do they see it as all consuming or balanced? That is huge when planning your future time spending together.

When you do begin to compromise and spend too much time (like every waking hour together) you are crossing a line of what is healthy because it means you are isolating from other relationships. People who spend this type of time together are almost always also neglecting their relationship with God. That means that you are sacrificing Jesus at the alter of worldly romance, not to mention your other friendships. This leads us to number six:

5 Stay involved with your other friends. 

Most people who fail in relationship whether physically or emotionally have one major thing in common: They isolate from the rest of their friends and spend all their time with their new girl. This is one of the most unhealthy ways to build a relationship, because not only do you end up codependent with the person you are dating, you have no one else you are processing life with in a regular way and your perspective can begin to get very warped and self serving. I don't know how many people I know who have lost great God given relationships to their selfishness of dating. Your friendships may change as you begin to get involved in a more serious dating relationship, but your core life friendships shouldn't stop. They should evolve with you and very rarely should the life long godly friendships go away.

An old model from one stream of the church does try and tell you to die to all friendships for the sake of your new love, but this is not only unbiblical…it is an Antichrist message. As a Christian you are dependant on the community that God is raising up around you, not just the new relationship you are pursuing. Even if this is the one you are going to marry. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes everyone in your life to keep you balanced.

6 Overcome your Past Failures. 

If you have had sexual contact or imbalanced relationships, be real about it and then get healing for it fast. Get someone who has maturity to walk you into the fullness of truth in the center of what happened. You will have a tendency to repeat past failures no matter how good you feel now. Every time you cross a line, it creates a pattern in your flesh that your flesh remembers and wants to recreate (substitute penis for flesh if you are thinking right about this). Just being accountable and talking about these things is usually not enough. It's good to find out how you got there and then also go through self forgiveness and forgiveness for the one you went there with. 

I know that many churches kill their wounded, meaning if you admit weakness you will be looked down upon or disqualified. This is one of the main reasons why so many people don't just fail, but live in failure. You need help in failure, and there are safe people who can help you.

Single Men Are Innocent Until Proven Guilty. 

Let's get back to the main overview for you guys. The religious spirit projected upon many men says that you aren't trustworthy and that you will fail with a woman just because you are a man. 

Let me tell you that you are innocent until proven guilty. Your manhood does not have to be a death sentence to you even with females. If you have failed, you can get back up easily. It just takes work and dedication. Every man has the ability to embrace purity and become super.

Shame is one of our worse enemies and if you live under it, you are going to suffer great limitations. The cross was big enough for all your mistakes to be nailed and left there.

Let me also say…as a father to some and as a brother to others…I have kept everything in my pants and all women's hands out of my pants…I'm now in my thirties and you can have this kind of purity, even if you are starting today. Some guys think because they have already started the machine that the only answer is to get into a marriage relationship so they can feed it. God can restore your innocence of your flesh and take away even the physical drive to be one with a woman. He restores virginity, which is a spiritual and emotional state of being before it is a physical one.

God gave me grace. I know He can for you too. Maybe it will help some of you to know that there is purity available on a real level even as you get older.

So guys don't be a Brick. Define your dating boundaries. Come on BE A MAN! 
(and girls if you are reading this---you just made baby Jesus cry …ok ok maybe not. This might have helped you as well).

NEXT WEEK'S BLOG: 
BLOG 6.0 LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE GIRLS! (YES SHAWN BOLZ IS ADDRESSING WOMAN!)

I KISSED DATING GOODBYE AND THEN ASKED IT OUT AGAIN. -SHAWN BOLZ.

Qualifiers and permissions: I want to remind you that this blogging series is for adults. Not because it contains any adult content but it is to help adults process their free will choice to pursue relationships. I believe youth have different restrictions based on their parents relationship with them then these blogs address. You have permission to print/use/repost this blog if you post it in its entirety with reference to www.blog.myspace.com/eagledove so that people can read them all in context. Thanks!

BLOG 4.0
I KISSED DATING GOODBYE BUT THEN ASKED IT OUT AGAIN…

Now before you throw this blog in the recycle bin or write me hate mail or a monster criticism based on the chapter title lets go on a journey together. Every relationship has a process to it so lets talk about process. 

I want to start telling a story about when I was in high school as a young Christian man in the church whose hormones lead me into very interesting situations. Our church embraced very conservative theology over relationships, and because of this the ladies in our church embraced it, so needless to say my chances with these girls were limited to none unless I was willing to say I was courting to marry them on the first date which I refused to do.

Luckily the girls at our church were not made to wear old woman garb and cover their heads without any sign of makeup – that was my good friend's church. I think he's gay now.

The Great Balancing Act of Relationships

This particular chapter is about balance. We need to have a balanced perspective on setting goals to pursuing relationships. 

I will start out by saying that the vast majority of the church has over reacted to the worldliness of secular dating and has put up such stringent rules for getting into a relationship that singles often get stuck. 

Many of these rules require that you have some sort of knowing from heaven that says "This is the one for you FOREVER!" before you even start getting to know the person. This causes clunky courtship destined only for marriage whether you discover if he/she is a psycho or not. 

Of course that scenario only happens when the one who has supposedly heard from God actually tells their object of desire that they are interested, which in some Christian circles can take months…no years of the burning desire brewing to the point of insanity. We will talk about this scenario later..it creates a Christian form of stalking. (I am doing a whole blog just on stalking with some current stories of my very own stalkers! Stay tuned!)

Also many of the church people who began to write materials on dating or setting these standards never used them in their own relationships. This means a lot of what is written is in reaction to weakness as opposed to written for the sake of truth and enjoying life.

So here is where we need to go in our talk: A balanced way to pursue a desire of your heart and an attraction of your spirit, mind, and body. I have spent many hours hearing awesome dating life stories from Christians who are now married. I have also walked next to some who are now hurting from painful imbalanced relationships.

We really need to address balance. 

Repeat after me: Just because one church embraces a more traditional courtship model doesn't mean that I have to or should, or if they are completely liberal it shouldn't make me a complete follower until I have found the desire of God in these things first.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF THE RELATIONSHIP YOU BUILD

When you read this next statement it is not written so that you will cast off restraints and close your ears to your authority figures. I am not inviting you to rebel against your leadership or your parents or family unit. 

You do however have a responsibility to be in charge of the relationships you build. You have to have your own mind about this process of relationships. At the end of the day God will hold you responsible for how you pursued the relationship. Male/Female romantic relationships are not supposed to be dictated by your parents. They are not supposed to be organized by your ministry that you are accountable to, they may be inspired by it though. 

So many people are submitting themselves in wrong ways trusting another man or woman with their life and destiny in this area, and we aren't talking about the person that they are pursuing or being pursued by. I know people who let their parents or pastors have so much authority in this process that they don't even think for themselves in it and just coast on autopilot to other peoples decisions. That hasn't worked out for anyone I know to well. 

You and I both know that relationships are the most precious thing besides the first commandment that we have. That means that God himself wants to be in the process of choice. He wants to encourage you as you facilitate your relationship and He even wants to speak into that process. 

So much of what the world and much of the religious culture promotes is not true healthy relationship but instead codependent marriage or courting relationships. We need to desire inter dependent loving sacrificing relationship. One is based on our human desire, one is based on God's spiritual desire.

YOU HAVE FREEDOM TO SET YOUR OWN STANDARDS

Now let me state this, unless you have a bad moral foundation or major character issues then you have the freedom to set your own standards in the relationship process. God will mentor you, and as you hear healthy stories from those who are experiencing good marriage or relationships around you this will help you. You will need advice, help, counsel, and friendships that are role models, but you need to avoid controlling relationships. Although you want to learn from others, you can not let yourself be controlled by someone else's model, type, or standards. These models and theological structures can inspire you but you can't be bound to someone else's interpretation to your own personal process. This is where the spirit of control thrives, to get you addicted to someone else's opinions and desires for you. 

As a pastor it is not my job to set standards in other adult lives, but I am to help guide them as a father into creating their own standards. When people set their own standards through right interpretation of the Scripture and through balanced relationships that have accountability and love, they will live or die by them. When I set standards for someone, they never fully own them in a life and death way. Instead it just becomes good principles in their heads. If I helped someone get married primarily out of my desire for them, then that means when they went through a hard time I would have to help maintain their relationship or their desire for each other. 

I have seen this happen to young couples whose parents or friends wanted it more then they did for each other and sometimes in these unhealthy cases, it's those that wanted them together that project their desire for each other more then it really exists.

GOD LOVES LOVE, ITS WHAT HE SPEAKS MOST ABOUT

God is a relational God and He personally loves love – are you going to let someone else's standards steal the relationship process from you? That is what I define as a "religious dating spirit" Being bound by others doctrine in a way that violates your own choice to pursue God and others in a way that is different.

Yes there are voices that set an example but these examples are only types of what it can be like. Since every relationship is radically different that means the process will be too. 

So freedom to you if you are bound by someone else's desire for you or model for you. Set your own first, and let theirs be inspirational to what God is already showing you! If you need help setting standards, coming up with a relationship process, etc begin to reach out to your Christian friends who have success in their relationship. If you read books or go to seminars on relationships then make sure to get a balanced perspective and not hide behind a model itself.

A CHRISTIAN CUSS WORD: DATING

Here is where I will offend many but hopefully it will all work out: God invented Dating. He created a process of pursuing, alluring, provoking, the one you are spiritually and sexually attracted to. This has worked out different in every culture and each culture has its strengths and limits about the subject but God inspired the idea of romance. He loves romance and the concept of the "D" word is first his before it's the worlds or satan's. Its just been so imbalanced and people cycle through more of the opposite sex faster then a competitor can cycle through the iron man.

God Himself, spoke romantically all through the Bible to show His continuing wooing of Israel and His covenant people. It was a dating or courtship process that required steps and process. It was also very different in each season of the pursuit so there was form to it but no one model each time. This is important to understand because God Himself dated Israel! OK OK He didn't date because He knew what He was going to inherit the bride for Himself but He did use relationship language. Jesus was promised a bride and came down from heaven to prepare her for Himself. 

Before you hate on me, let me give you what I think God's definition is of dating:

Dating according to God = The pursuit or being pursued by someone who is qualified to be interested in us. Getting to know someone you are attracted to both spiritually and naturally with the desire for a love to develop that MIGHT and hopefully (key word = might) lead to marriage. Bonding with someone in order to get to know them in a way to possibly share life with them.

Now let me tell you the worlds definition of dating:

Dating according to the world = To find someone to be happy with and enjoy. Shopping for someone to spend your life with. Sometimes to hook up or try out potential people in all areas of possible connection. To have an encounter with someone based on sexual chemistry. To say to a girl "How you doin?" and hope she responds for the night. The desire to no longer be alone. The hope for a better life based on the American dream. The desire for immediate gratification from the opposite sex without any long term hope. The desire to be with someone to avoid the pain of lonliness.

Now let me tell you the religious spirit's definition of dating: 

Dating…no wait Scratch that! : Courting (better Christian word to separate ourselves from danger) according to the church= to meet someone that all your key people in your religious world approve of then get married as soon as possible because that is the only goal. To meet someone in hopes that they are your absolutely perfect counterpart which will allow you to accomplish all of God's greater goals for your life, and without them you might never accomplish anything real. To meet someone that God tells you is the one then rush through intimacy building calling it courtship. Also, means To pretend like you aren't dating without the fun of dating.

Let me be real. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone of the opposite sex then God wants to give you the time and enjoyment of getting to know them without planning your whole wedding on the first date in your mind. This made me think about my friends in home school when I was in high school who never had the chance to meet anyone because they were taught the religious form of dating. This meant that the person had to drop out of the sky and say "Marry Me!" right off the bat.

Most of them are still unmarried. My poor home school friends don't even have a chance, who do they get to meet? Obviously many homeschoolers do not have this problem because there are many different types of parents raising homeschool kids. The ones I was referring to were not necessarily the standard homeschoolers, they were more of the extreme (whisper: I hope at least).

SETTING STANDARDS: 

Do you know its ok to get to know someone you are interested in without having to visualize her/ him at the alter? Of course its good to be interested in them for the desire of marriage, but this desire can not be desperate or the only focus. The relationship itself has to be the goal, not the progression of where the relationship will lead you. Well let's talk about it. 

If we were only in relationship with Jesus with the only motivation to go to heaven, what a terrible and boring relationship that would be. It would be based on need/fear/freedom from hell instead of love/intimacy/union with God. Most of us treat dating this way, having the ultimate motive of just getting married to someone. Whenever there is a focus in a male/female relationship that is beyond just building relationship without a foundation of intimacy and friendship then it becomes imbalanced.

How do you set a standard of getting to know someone you are interested in a clean way? How many times are you allowed to go through this without looking like a church hussy? 

We coined this term "church hussy' because most people start to look bad after they have dated more then three people in the church to the rest of the community in the congregation. They look especially bad if one was one of the pastors adult children.

What are the safety nets that will keep you um…safe when it comes to going forward or backing out even if its not mutual? We are going to look at this question in future chapters, keep reading on.

*END

STAY TUNED FOR BLOG 5.0 NEXT MONDAY!